2021 · Choices, unknowns, confusion, fear

This has been an extraordinary year. Choices, unknowns, confusion, fear—the five flavors of life.

Reviewing this Year#

At the beginning of the year, as the end of the semester approached, the severe situation of the epidemic coincided. I was afraid that I wouldn't be able to go home on time to complete the final exams. This epidemic, which has lasted for more than two years, doesn't seem to have an end in sight. It always catches people off guard and makes them panic. In the end, I was able to go home successfully, thinking that this might be my last winter vacation. Next year, I might have to go for an on-site internship.

After returning home, I continued to work remotely, just like before. I have been doing this job remotely for a year. Although I can complete my work on time every day and the workload is not heavy, I can even slack off from time to time. During this year, I have saved quite a bit of money from this job. However, I always feel that I can't learn anything new here anymore. At the same time, there is a growing pile of technical debt, and during that time, the product manager kept making mistakes, with frequent changes in requirements, making me feel that my work is meaningless every day. I decided to look for better opportunities.

It was at this moment that I embarked on a path to a big company. At that time, I was just trying it out and didn't care about the result, so I only applied for summer internships at big companies. I didn't apply to many, only Alibaba, Ant Group, and ByteDance. Before the Chinese New Year, I received the first phone interview invitation, scheduled for the first week of work after the New Year. It was my first interview, and the night before the interview, I couldn't sleep all night, not knowing what would happen. I was very scared. The next day, my heart was pounding, restless, and I waited for the scheduled time, but the call didn't come. I started to panic again. After another hour, I finally received that call. Due to lack of interview experience and inadequate preparation, it ended in failure. It was the only day I didn't have a good mood during the Chinese New Year. Every day, I felt nervous about the interview, but got bad results. However, I also learned a lot from these interviews.[^0]

The following March was mainly spent on written tests and interviews. It was also because of a written test from ByteDance that I accidentally got to know the great person {TW@Lakr233}. The result: rejected by ByteDance. The smoothest interview in the end was with Ant Group. Since I applied on my own, I didn't know which business unit I was selected for. I finally learned from the HR that it was the Experience Technology Department. At that moment, I felt like I had reached a new level. I never thought I could join one of the top front-end teams in China. The night before I received the offer letter, I had a nightmare that I was criticized by the interviewer. Fortunately, the next morning I received the offer letter, and at that moment, nothing else mattered.

In the following month, I experienced the most carefree days since college. I could still do remote work and choose to intern at Ant Group later. At that time, I was looking forward to seeing what it was like inside a big company. Coincidentally, my team leader also contacted me and asked about my plans for the summer vacation, whether I wanted to intern in Beijing. TL had proposed this idea last year, but I didn't go because of the epidemic. However, this time, I had to decline again. I expressed my thoughts and said that I wanted to go to a big company. TL also agreed with me, although he still hoped that I would join them officially. So, at the end of June, I officially left the startup company that had accompanied me in my growth.[^1] Although there were many things I couldn't bear to leave behind, I believed that my choice was right.

During the summer vacation, I met an online friend for the first time and took a casual look at Hangzhou. The enthusiastic friend had prepared for my trip in advance.[^2] It was also my first time going to a strange city alone to meet a stranger. The first time staying in a hotel, the first time taking the subway, many firsts.

In May, I expressed my desire to intern to the counselor, and the class teacher said she would try to help me apply to the college. When I thought everything was ready, the mentor also said I could come for the internship earlier and arranged for a physical examination. However, when everything seemed to be going smoothly, the school suddenly disagreed, and the epidemic intensified at that time. I had to postpone my start date until after the final exams.

Towards the end of the semester, the school suddenly asked us to move out of the dormitory. After three years of living in that dormitory, we had to leave early. All the dormitories in this living area were moved to another living area. That's how my three years of care and decoration were taken away a year early.

!End of 2020 - Random Shot

!Christmas 2020

!Just a Temporary Residence

At the beginning of July, when the semester ended, I immediately went to Hangzhou. Although Alibaba provided two weeks of free hotel accommodation for remote interns, I couldn't get used to staying in a hotel, so I wanted to rent a place as soon as possible. Since it was my first time renting, I encountered many problems, such as signing a one-year contract, water and electricity fees, location, commuting distance, and the orientation of the house. I fell into all the traps. In the end, I rented a house that I was very dissatisfied with and spent a summer like that.[^3]

This summer seemed very long. After joining Ant Group, my perception of big companies changed. Although I learned a lot of technology, personally, I couldn't fit into that circle. I lived a very painful life every day, as if I was being punished. I looked at the documents over and over again, but I didn't know what to do, what I could do. After completing a requirement every week, I didn't know what to do next. I made changes over and over again, tested over and over again, and finally asked my colleagues for code review. Although the entire development process was very complete, the development process itself was very tedious. One platform after another, when I first arrived, almost all of my time was spent on learning how to use each platform and what it was for. But are these things really useful? After leaving Alibaba, what's the point of telling others about the amazing things this platform has done?[^4] It was also during that time that I began to doubt whether I had made the wrong choice, but I had already embarked on an irreversible path. The internship was short, and I didn't summarize what I had learned in such a short time. Perhaps it was also due to a lack of communication skills. In the end, I didn't pass the probation review, which was expected. At the beginning, I had already decided not to stay because it didn't align with my direction, and I was exhausted every day. At the end of the month, as the back-to-school season approached, I resigned. It lasted only 53 days.[^5]

I had to prepare for the autumn recruitment, but because of the summer internship, it took up a lot of time, so I didn't have an advantage in the autumn recruitment. In addition, the two-month internship experience was also a disadvantage. September was the most anxious month for me. Every day, I browsed the Maimai app and saw that everyone had received offers, but I didn't even have an intention letter. I anxiously waited for the results every day, but there was no news. To ease my anxiety, I started playing video games. In mid-October, I received my first offer from Tencent's PCG Xiaoe Pinpin. It was quite a coincidence that I applied without much thought, but from the application to the interview, everything went quickly and smoothly. The only bad experience was when the interviewer asked right away if I could work overtime. After I said I couldn't accept late overtime, my interview evaluation was marked with the label of "cannot work overtime." This issue was brought up again in the subsequent interviews. Although I passed in the end, I also asked my friends on Maimai and a friend who used to work there, and they said that overtime could be very late, even until midnight for several consecutive days. The intensity was comparable to that of Pinduoduo. However, at that time, I only had one offer in hand, and at 11:59 PM on the day before the offer expired, I accepted it. At the same time, I declined an offer from a startup company, expressing that I wanted to join a prestigious big company.

After another week, I finally received the long-awaited offer from Xiaohongshu after a long wait. After considering everything, I declined Tencent's offer and chose Xiaohongshu. After making the choice, I have been regretting it. After all, Tencent's benefits and everything else are much better than Xiaohongshu's.[^7] But no matter which one I chose, I would still have regrets in the end.

That's how the anxious October passed. Then in November, I signed the contract. Everything seemed to be settled, but I often felt regret in my heart. After taking graduation photos, there shouldn't be anything else to do at school. I planned to leave. In the last days at school, I walked on the night road leading to the student square, thinking about what I had left behind in these four years. Looking back, it seems that there is no trace of my existence. Then I was about to leave this familiar and unfamiliar place. I remembered a few years ago when I used to think, "If only I could graduate faster, this place can't accommodate me." But now that I'm about to leave, I'm filled with nostalgia.

At the beginning of December, I packed up most of my daily necessities and looked at the empty space. I should only stay here for a few more days next year. I went home. Enjoying the last winter vacation. Time flies so fast compared to when I first wanted to intern. It seems like yesterday I was just a young student. When I was young, I always wanted to grow up quickly. Going to school was so painful, doing homework was so painful, exams were so terrifying, but I could always escape from time. If there was a chance to start over, I would cherish and enjoy that time, the best time of my life.

In the next five years, when I come back to review this article, will I regret it? Will I regret choosing my own path at this important turning point?