2022 · Moving forward in despair

In the third year of the epidemic, taking the first step into society, exploring in confusion, moving forward in despair.

A Year of Unbearable Hardship#

After last year's autumn recruitment, I stayed at home until after the Chinese New Year. It was a carefree time, playing games, writing code, doing whatever I liked. But the last long holiday eventually came to an end. From now on, it would never be the same. That's what I thought as time passed by.

In the blink of an eye, a new year began. Just like previous years, it was plain and ordinary, without any New Year's atmosphere. After the New Year, it was time to start a new journey. Unlike ordinary graduates, having gone through two jobs, I was no longer the hopeful and enthusiastic person who embraced work. I was just trying to make a living.

My Journey to Shanghai#

Once again, I went to a strange city to start my third internship. But this time, I had no expectations, no dreams or longings, only fear. I had imagined too much and my expectations were shattered. [^0]

That's how I came to Shanghai for the first time. The first impression it gave me was not a bustling and prosperous city full of tall buildings, but an old and shabby city with a cultural atmosphere from the last century. I arrived at Xintiandi, the central area of this ancient city. Here, just across the street, it was divided into two parts: one side was a modern city, while the other side was an old alley with a hundred years of history.

As a newcomer, I had booked a month's stay in a homestay near the company. The first homestay experience was terrible. The real place was nothing like the filtered pictures online. Living in an old alley was not suitable for those who worked late, as the sound insulation was poor at night and I could hear the elderly people getting up early in the morning to start their work, as well as the noisy sounds of collecting waste outside. This kind of nostalgic lifestyle is suitable for tourists who want to experience the local culture, after all, it's just a homestay. [^1]

The only advantage was that it was close to the company, only about a 500-meter walk. Apart from that, there were no other benefits. It was small, run-down, and expensive. After that, I decided to find a new place in advance, breaking the original plan of staying in the temporary accommodation for a month. For the second time, I chose a place closer to the subway, which was more convenient for commuting to the company. Due to the terrible experience of sharing a room for the first time, this time I decided to rent the whole place, and in Shanghai, this decision cost me a lot. It added to the already meager salary I received during the internship period.

After choosing a place to live, I quickly moved in. I canceled the homestay in advance, but the landlord only refunded three days' rent, even though I only stayed for half a month. The hazy and desperate March passed by again and again.

The Period of the Epidemic#

In April, the epidemic quietly arrived. At the end of March, shortly after moving into my new place, I was locked down in the residential area. Fortunately, I wasn't trapped in the old alley. I had moved out in advance (I couldn't imagine what it would be like to be stuck in an old alley). Shanghai, famous for its precise epidemic prevention measures, had a breach this time. For the first time in two years, I experienced what it felt like to have my freedom restricted. The fear, despair, pain, loneliness, and helplessness overwhelmed me. With nothing, I didn't know if I could afford to live in the days to come. I had no kitchenware and couldn't buy groceries. Later on, I had to exchange goods for food, buying expensive vegetables and getting woken up early every morning to do nucleic acid tests. I witnessed the absurdity of it all. In those days, having enough to eat was considered good. Instant noodles became a luxury. Tragedies happened every day around me. I, who was part of the story, was not alone. We all shed tears when we saw the voices of April being shared frantically on social media, but we were powerless, helpless.

Despairing April would eventually pass. In the blink of an eye, May arrived. After surviving in extreme conditions for a month, the shortage of supplies gradually improved. Thanks to the efforts of the community leaders, we no longer had to buy expensive groceries or compete on various shopping apps every day. We began to see a glimmer of hope. Nucleic acid tests were reduced to once every two days, the supermarket in the residential area reopened, and gradually, we were issued passes to go out. At the end of May, we finally welcomed the lifting of the lockdown. The streets were unusually lively on Children's Day. [^2]

Regrets#

The two months of lockdown taught me how to cook and live alone, but it also left me with many regrets. I completed my graduation thesis and defense during the lockdown. It was hopeless to face the inability to submit my graduation materials on time. I felt so lonely and desperate. How many times did I cry during those days? I was never strong enough.

My four years of university came to an end just like that. There were too many regrets. In the end, I couldn't even go back to the campus to see my roommates for one last time. I couldn't leave behind a complete memory.

My four years of university came to an end just like that. At the last moment, I couldn't even return to the campus to attend the final graduation ceremony. No graduation photo, no wearing of the bachelor's gown, not even the opportunity for outstanding graduates to go on stage and participate in the ceremony.

When I saw my classmates posting their graduation photos, I felt like an orphan. I watched from afar as they belonged to a world that was not mine. [^3]

A New Starting Point#

In July, after graduating remotely, I chose to rest for a week and then officially started my job. I was no longer an intern, but a true office worker.

After becoming an office worker, my workload became heavier every day. I started working late and the workweek and weekends blended together. I was exhausted, staying up later and later, sacrificing my rest time for work. In the beginning, I would still do my own things after work, but gradually, my interest faded. I was no longer obsessed with doing something. Life was already tiring enough, and that young person was no longer there. I started to spend my time in fragments, as it made time seem longer. Later on, I bought a game console and started playing games every night when I got home. Maybe it was a way to escape, or maybe it was a way to cover up my loneliness and helplessness.

Now, half a year has passed. I spend every day in agony, as if I have gone back to two years ago. The days seem endless, and I wonder when the change will come. Next year, it's time to make a change.

Milestones#

Life Journey#

Graduated from university
Became an office worker
Learned to live alone

Poetry and Distant Places#

Shanghai
Disneyland

Still not many travel experiences.

Met three Twitter friends and one group friend.

I failed. I'm still not good with words, not good at socializing, not proactive, still lonely.

Shopping#

Newly purchased electronic waste:

MacBook Air (M2)
PlayStation 5 (Japanese version)

The Coming Year#

Last year's plans.

Improve my communication skills
Learn to live in the present moment

I didn't accomplish any of them. Next year, I don't have any plans. This year has been filled with negative energy, and I hope to welcome sunshine in the coming year.

Career#

Open Source#

Toys I have created this year:

I am still actively maintaining mx-space. Thank you all for using it.

!GitHub Wrapped

Skill Tree#

No growth, stagnant. After starting work, I have less and less energy to explore new fields.

Final Wishes#

Thank you for reading this far. Happy New Year! Here's my heartfelt wish.

innei