One#
I think my depression has worsened. I have extreme mood swings and fear going to work. I also experience physical discomfort, such as occasional rapid heartbeat and pain on both sides of my chest when breathing. My memory has also weakened. The work environment is affecting me in this way, and I am no longer suitable to continue working. Every day is a struggle, not only hurting myself but also betraying this job.
It seems that I haven't reached the point where I need to give my all to survive and give up everything for more money.
These past few days, I have been awakened by nightmares and after waking up, I start to question the meaning of existence. Am I living this hard-working life just to have a good life? Even with more wealth and material possessions, I don't feel happy. The things I once desired so much no longer interest me and I don't have time for them.
I am still young, different from those who have families. Those who give their all for a living cannot stop and appreciate the scenery along the way. But now, I am living the same life as them, at least during the day and also at night. After midnight, they have more pain. I don't want to understand. At least not now. If I don't pursue my passions and ideals while I am young, I may never have the chance again. If I continue living like this when I reach their age, it would be a kind of sadness.
I always think about escaping, always lingering on the edge of escape but never having the courage to truly escape once. And this time, it gives me an opportunity.
Two#
When I woke up in the morning and saw the bug that was reported in the early hours of last night, my heart sank. Is it necessary to endure this kind of work? After hesitating for a long time, I finally sent the message announcing my resignation.
After arriving at the company, I talked to my leader. I told him about my decision to resign.
I am tired, both physically and mentally. The workload is suffocating, and on top of that, the high-pressure atmosphere within the team and the recent encounter with a stupid colleague have made everything even more difficult. Every day is a struggle. When I return home, I suffer from insomnia, experience extreme mood swings, and become forgetful and irritable. And then I cry. I have endured for too long, and now I have to leave.
Many people advised me to endure until the end of the year and then leave. I also planned to endure until the end of the year. But I really can't endure anymore. I'm almost at the finish line, but I chose to give up.
My leader asked me to think about it for a week and we will talk again next week. He said I can leave work early this week or take a day off to rest. But I find it a bit unbelievable. In this kind of environment, leaving work early for a day means working overtime even later tomorrow, and taking a day off means having to work on my day off. This kind of rest does not have a good mindset, so it's better not to rest.
I think, since I have said these things, I already have the answer in my heart.
Three#
These past two days, my mood has been relatively calm. Although there are still many things weighing on me, I feel happy knowing that these days are coming to an end.
In the evening, I became emotional and lost, not knowing where the road is. The lack of understanding from my family and the fear in my heart have intensified my depression. I feel like I am alone in the whole world, and I just want it to end like this.
Four#
Choosing is always difficult.
Five#
Emotionally breaking down, even though I have already submitted my resignation, I still have a lot of things to deal with. Four or five things are happening at the same time.
Pressure limits imagination and can also become a case.
Writing code should be a pleasure, not a torment.
I feel like life has no meaning.
No one understands me.
Only my wounded world is complete.
Without me, there will be one less person hurting others.
I hope people are still here.
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