Anxiety and the Unknown

This is the second week of my internship at Ant Group. It is also the first full week in the true sense.


I started working on the project this week, and I was a little scared. First of all, the project is huge, with over four hundred thousand lines of code. Secondly, I have heard too many terms that I have never heard before. I spent a whole week without fully understanding how to develop and debug each project. I am too weak. I started to doubt myself, can I really stay in this team? I am not a person with a very good mentality. After a while, I didn't have any substantial results, and I started to feel anxious.

I remember the supervisor told me that the threshold for this project is still very high. It is not like other projects that can be quickly mastered, nor is it easy to create special features. If you want to stay, you need to study hard during this period, create some small features, and maintain a good mentality.

I feel like my mentality has collapsed. I am lagging behind in terms of progress and in many other aspects. There is only one month left until the conversion defense. And I haven't figured out many things yet. Time is so tight, and one of the reasons is that the school ended too late.

Living too far away, spending too much time commuting every day, has made me a little tired. Coupled with the pressure and anxiety, my body has also had some problems, making me doubt whether I am suitable for staying in a large company. I once planned to stay in a large company for two years and then go to a startup to lead a team, which might be smoother. Now I don't know if I still have the ability and courage.

I used to be just a front-end developer who slices designs. Besides slicing, I don't know anything else. I have been doing front-end development for more than two years, always working on consumer-facing products. It's commonly known as slicing. For someone who didn't have experience with enterprise products, it is so difficult to jump into such a huge project. I used to hate slicing because every day I would encounter PMs ruthlessly rejecting previous proposals, endless UI changes, and endless requirements. Now that I have truly experienced enterprise products, I realized that I still prefer working on consumer-facing products. I envy the team next door, who work on consumer-facing products and can still slice designs when they have free time, while I can't even do that now. This is not what I once fantasized about.

I have started to lie down, not because I don't want to work hard, but because I may really not like it here. The team is great, the atmosphere is great, and my colleagues are very enthusiastic. The only thing I don't like is working on this kind of product, and I currently don't have the ability to do it. I deeply feel this gap.

In the next period of time, I may record more memories left at Ant Group during this period.

!Z Space - Evening

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